I must confess, I want more kids. I’ve always wanted more than two (which is what I have now). But we are at a crossroads, our little family: is another child right for us? Right now my husband and I don’t agree; he’s set on the two we have and being done with it. I, however, have other dreams. I often think of the possibility… if I ever have another baby… what would I want my experience to be like?
One thing this dialogue has made me realize is that if I ever get the chance to have another child, I am not taking a single thing for granted. I know the experience I want to have, both for my baby and for myself. If I ever have another baby, these are my plans and my promises to my future child.
My Dream Pregnancy
It goes without saying that I want to have a healthy, uneventful pregnancy, avoiding complications and conditions like gestational diabetes. I’ve been very lucky in that regard, other than severe morning sickness which has plagued me throughout both of my entire pregnancies.
I know that I definitely want to use a midwife again – what a difference in care from my first pregnancy with an OB! – and I already know whom I would have as my midwife should I be given the opportunity.
I do feel like I wouldn’t be interested in doing any kind of gender reveal at all. With my first two kids, I wanted to know so badly (and both times, my intuition was correct); but now that I have one boy and one girl, I think I’d like to really have a surprise. We have plenty of hand-me-down clothes and toys which are gender neutral anyway.
As far as picking a name for my baby, I think my husband and I would have a few names picked out for both a boy and a girl. Neither of us are in a rush to name our unborn child; we’ve preferred to meet our little one first, spending a few hours gazing at their face and bonding with them before we choose the name from our short list which is just right! (You can read about my tips for picking the perfect baby name here.)
Most of all, I just want to take time to enjoy everything. Every kick will be the most magnificent experience of my life. The hiccups in utero will be thrilling and bring a smile to my face, instead of making me crazy because I can’t sleep. I’ll sing more and read more to my baby, and I will try to see everything in a positive light. Because like all of my children, I’ve wanted this baby so much for so long.
My Dream Birth
I want a home birth. There, I said it. I’ve had a hospital birth (before I really knew what in the hell my REAL options were), a birth center birth, and what I really want is just to be in my damn house and to have everyone come to me. Let me stay at my home, have my kids and my husband and my pets around me, and give birth in a blow-up pool in my living room.
Like I said, I didn’t really know that home birth was an option with my first kid; ok, to be honest, I didn’t know that I had an option to use someone other than an impersonal OB. And with my second kid, when I did have a midwife, I listened to my husband say he didn’t want a home birth because he thought it was “weird.” It always hurt my feelings a little bit that my husband didn’t say “That’s a strange concept to me, babe, but you’re the one doing all the work so I support whatever you choose!” This time around, I’ll do what I want damnit. I’m the one giving birth: I should be the one making decisions.
I want to really dig in to all of the things I have been training my mind to do: meditate, be calm, repeat mantras. And I want the people around me to spoil the hell out of me: I’m talking cool washcloths on my head, sips of water or electrolyte drinks at the ready, and my husband to massage my scalp.
Now let’s get a bit more serious. I really want to enjoy my next (last?) birth, too. I want to focus on this absolutely incredible experience, and how badass my body is. I want to laugh and breathe and see love wherever I look. I won’t stress out and I won’t rush. This next birth, if it is destined to exist, is going to be all about me and my precious baby.
It’s time to face the music: I may never have another baby. In fact, if I had to make a bet right this minute, I would say that we probably won’t ever have more kids. (I won’t go into that any more right now because it’s difficult for me to sit and dwell on that for too long, but I did write about it when my daughter was younger.)
And what if I don’t have any more children? I certainly wouldn’t have a horrible life! I don’t need more babies to be happy, or content, or thankful. I adore my children and they are each perfect in their own unique ways; they are certainly enough. I do want to give them more siblings, and I long for more little kicks and sweet-smelling newborns, but make no mistake: having a third baby would be a hell of a lot of work. We’ve got a good thing going right now, and I know that adding a child would really throw everything off.
I also know that if we are certain to not have more kids, I want to have a hysterectomy, or some similar procedure. I’ve had horrible endometriosis for years (my OB plainly told me it was one of the worst cases she’d ever seen) and if I ain’t growing any more babies, I’m not putting up with that crap anymore!
And hey, if we aren’t going to have more kids, we can make some decent money off of all the clothes, cloth diapers, bouncers, Pack and Plays, and baby toys that I’m hoarding for the “just in case” precaution. (Can you tell I’m desperate to grab some positive out of this?)
I pray all the time that God take away this ache for more babies, if it’s not in our future. I hate feeling envious of friends who are welcoming more children into their lives, and having a pang of jealousy whenever I see newborn photos on Facebook. If it’s not meant to be, I hope that these feelings dull and fade with time.
We haven’t forgotten about the option to foster and/or adopt, either; I think we’d need to wait until our own babies are older and can be more help, but that may be something for us to look into more seriously, too.
So for now, I stand, somewhat alone, at a crossroads. I don’t know what is in our future; all I know is the desire of my heart. And hopefully, with time, I will find peace no matter what happens. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m getting closer.