Sleep regression sucks. At any age. It’s always a dark curtain of despair in which well-meaning, loving parents turn into zombies, and wonderful children transform into shadows of themselves. A sleep regression can last just a few nights, or months. Sometimes there’s a clear explanation, and sometime it’s beyond mysterious. We’ve been through it multiple times with both of our kids, and I’m here to throw down every damn solution that I can think of. Because I remember: sleep regression sucks.

If you’re not familiar with the Wonder Weeks – a set of milestones for children birth-two years old, you can get more information here. This is the most important indicator for sleep regression and growth spurts for kids under two years old!

Sleep Regression Sucks... At Any Age - Real Simple Mama

Right now our family is bedsharing: my toddler, who’s still nursing a few times a night (including to fall asleep), sleeps in the middle of my king bed. We have a separate toddler bed in our room that was our son’s; additionally, our son has his own room and a twin size car bed (which is very cool, I might add).

But we have a unique problem.

Our oldest child – yep, the 4.5 year old – is going through a sleep regression.

Guys. This is the kid who’s been sleeping through the night since I weaned him TWO YEARS AGO. What in the hell is going on?!

Well, to be honest, there’s good news and bad news.

The good news is that this is not abnormal, and we have some ideas to help minimize how long and how intense this period will be.

The bad news is that you can’t make a sleep regression go away, and it has to run its course. Oh, and it sucks. A lot.

My husband and I have brainstormed more than once; additionally, we’ve recruited advice from friends and family, and called our pediatrician and the nurse line multiple times. Here is every damn suggestion that we’ve found, plus what’s worked for us. Be warned: this article is looong, because I wanted to give you tons of advice!

Remember that I’m not a medical professional; this advice comes from internet research, personal experience, and speaking to our pediatrician.

Sleep Regression Sucks... At Any Age - Real Simple Mama

The Basics

Here are the most obvious reasons that your child may be going through a sleep regression, and the most basic ways to help. I won’t spend much time in this section, so here we go.

  • Avoid heavy and spicy foods for at least four hours before bed
  • Avoid caffeine and sugar for at least two hours before bed
  • Avoid exercise/high energy activity for at least two hours before bed
  • If your child is hungry, offer a snack that has protein and a complex carb within two hours of bedtime (like whole wheat bread and peanut butter, or crackers and a cheese stick)
  • Give your child a warm bath, or even just a foot soak
  • Avoid screens and electronics for at least an hour before bed
  • Turn down the lights and speak in quiet voices
  • Give your child a massage; focus on hands, shoulders, back, and feet
  • Try to do some calming yoga (look on YouTube for kid-friendly channels like Cosmic Yoga) or some meditation (we use the Calm app and there’s kid-bedtime-specific content there too)
  • Limit naps on children over four years old to 45 minutes max (set a timer)
  • Be consistent with bedtime and a routine

Doing all of those? We were too. So let’s dig deeper into some other solutions.

Let’s Analyze the Situation

So you’ve checked everything on the “basic” list, and you’re still having issues.

You know your kid better than anyone. And what helped us the most (in this, and many other situations) was asking ourselves this question:

To the best of our knowledge, do we believe that this is something our child can control? In other words, are they choosing to act this way, or is it something developmental that can’t be prevented?

You need to know this (or have a hunch) so you don’t punish something like a growth spurt, but you can quickly and effectively correct a negative behavior that’s escalating.

What can be a comfort (and annoying as hell at the same time) is that this could just be a normal sleep regression. How do you know? Honestly, look to your pediatrician or something like the Wonder Weeks to see if this is about the time your child would be hitting a large developmental leap.

A few other things to consider:

  • Does your child play in their bed? Teach their mind and body that their bed is just for sleep, and don’t let them play or read in bed if you can help it.
  • If you’ve been trying to get your kid to sleep for more than 20 minutes, it’s time to do a reset. Get out of bed, go do something quiet and unstimulating like read a book on the floor or make a cup of chamomile tea, and then try again.
  • You can start a gratitude journal, or talk together in the evening about what you’re thankful for, or have your child tell you the best thing that happened to them that day. Hell, buy a joke book or a picture book and have a special, positive activity (screen-free!) that you do together at night to promote relaxation.
  • I personally love meditating in the evening; meditating or yoga could be a great alternative. The Calm app has lots of free content, and if you buy a subscription there’s a whole extensive section on bedtime stories, and content for kids. (I know this breaks my screen-free rule, but it’s something to try.) I don’t make any money or get anything from Calm to say that, either. I really do love all of their stuff!
  • If the concern night terrors? If so, look for solutions specific to that. It might be genetic too, so ask you and your partner’s parents and relatives to see if you can shine a light on this. And to learn about the difference between nightmares and night terrors, read my article here.
  • You can make a lavender “monster spray” for pillows and sheets using an equal mix of filtered water and witch hazel, and then adding 10-14 drops of lavender essential oil. Mix gently in a spray bottle and mist over your bed every evening.
  • Speak only in whispers once the bedtime routine begins.
  • Dim the lights once the bedtime routine begins.
  • Have a super consistent bedtime routine! Do the same things, in the same order, starting at the same time. I have a “Time for bed” alarm on my phone that plays “Goodnight Daniel” from Daniel Tiger at 8pm every night.

If You Have An Older Child

While it sounds like a blessing, having an older child – we’re talking four years old or more – go through a sleep regression sucks just the same.

In our son’s case, there was never really a “Terrible Twos” nor a “Terrible Threes” phase; chances are, he’s just going through that huge leap a bit later than most kids. Nothing to be concerned about, but his sleep regression sucks just the same. The term our nurse used was “comprehensive development”.

You really need to look at what’s going on with the child’s environment, too. Have you just come home from a vacation? Are you expecting another baby, or going through a big life change like a move or a divorce? Is your child at a new school, or maybe is there something going on at school? Consider these things when you’re making an analysis of what’s going on and why.

Older kids become more aware of their surroundings, particularly what’s going on outside their little home. They may be hearing about things like school shootings or bombings on the news; they may be scared of the big unknown (or just the monster under the bed); their world is suddenly much larger than they realized. They may also start to feel that Mommy and Daddy aren’t all-powerful, invincible beings. And these realizations can rock your child’s little world to the core.

So really you’re looking at the following possibilities: is your child going through a regression just because of development? Are they afraid? Is there a significant life change going on that’s making them regress and act this way?

Sleep Regression Sucks... At Any Age - Real Simple Mama

In our case, I think that our son was just hitting this leap and realizing that he wasn’t quite as much of a “big kid” as we’d all thought. He was sad to be sleeping in his room alone, while Mommy, Daddy and Little Sister slept in the master. He probably felt jealousy and a bit of abandonment, in combination with this significant developmental leap. So we got through the worst of it – the inevitable, unpunishable leap – but then once that was over, we had to backpedal a bit since he’d made some bad habits (namely, coming in our room and getting himself all worked up to where we were all awake.) Hence the sticker chart and the reward you see in the photo above!

When You Speak to Your Pediatrician

I wanted to add a few suggestions on here to help you should you decide that it’s time to speak to your pediatrician about the issue.

First, make sure that the receptionist knows that you’re wanting a consult-type appointment; our practice made us schedule our appointment at a specific day and time since these appointments may take longer. And when I called to book this, of course there was a longer waiting period to see the doc. Insert eye roll.

Secondly, if you tell your child in advance where you’re going (I like to since my kids are like me and want to mentally plan and prep what’s going to happen), make sure they know that they’re not in trouble and this is not going to be painful nor scary. No shots, no prodding. Just being honest with the doctor and getting some strategies so that everyone can be rested and happy. My son loves thinking about “strategies”!

Keep a journal on your phone or on paper with what’s going on each day. This includes what your kid ate, what you did that day (play outside? watch a lot of TV? fall asleep in the car on the way home?), and what happened at bedtime. No need to be fancy, it’s just data. But the more information you have, the more complete and accurate of a picture you can paint for the pediatrician.

Sleep Regression Sucks... At Any Age - Real Simple Mama

And a suggestion given to me by one of the on-call nurses I spoke to: if possible, take a video of how your child is acting when they’re restless or having an episode, as we called it. Our son was having full-out meltdowns at 2am, screaming and kicking and crying and saying baby things like “I want Da-Da” (yeah I know, it was just as fun as it sounds). Getting a video, or at least an audio recording, of what’s going on will really help your doctor to understand what you’re dealing with.

I’ll say that chances are, this is just a normal developmental thing. But for me, it was so gratuitous to hear “There’s nothing wrong, you’re doing exactly what you should be doing, and this will pass” from our child’s doctor. He even said that his kids went through the same thing! So don’t feel silly or embarrassed about making an appointment for sleep regression issues.

As a more extreme resort, you can ask your pediatrician about allowing your child to take melatonin, magnesium, or tryptophan. There are OTC options as well as supplements that you put in a bathtub, diffuse, etc I haven’t tried any and don’t want to lead anyone astray so I won’t advise or suggest anything further here; but it’s something you should be aware of, and something you can ask about if you feel so inclined.

Talking to Your Child About Their Sleep

I am quite honest and verbal with my children; it’s important to me that they be talked to like future adults, and that they understand what’s going on with their body. In this case, that means letting them know what’s going on with their sleep and why it’s essential that we do all we can to minimize the effects of the sleep regression.

When it came to the meltdown part of the sleep regression for our son, we found that it was fruitless to try and discipline/punish him. In retrospect, I feel like an asshole for even thinking about that, but it’s true. I was exhausted and desperate for some sleep.

We spoke to him during the day about being calm at night and how we all need rest, and why: for play, for brain growth, for physical growth, to keep us from getting sick, so Daddy can go to work and Mama can take care of you and your sister. And we let him know that we weren’t going to acknowledge the meltdowns anymore, but quietly and calmly ignore them. He could ask us for something when he stopped screaming and crying.

This also meant that my husband ended up sleeping in my son’s room longer than we planned. I felt bad as he’s the “working parent” but I couldn’t do any more, I was already up throughout the night nursing a teething toddler. And hell, I haven’t slept through the night in over five years! So hubby had to take one for the team here. Though honestly, sleeping in a racecar bed with your son – or sleeping on his floor – is still better than no sleep at all.

Sleep Regression Sucks... At Any Age - Real Simple Mama

And can I just say that as a mom, I think I am going through a sleep regression too?! Holy crap! Seriously, I feel like my body is completely fine with waking up at 1am, 3:30am, and 5:30am now. (Which also means I’m surviving on a series of naps basically.) And I honestly get a bit of anxiety at bedtime too, knowing that I never fall asleep quickly – even when I’m beyond exhausted – and that my kids will undoubtedly wake up soon. It’s almost like I’m tying to convince myself to pull an all-nighter so that I’m awake and ready when my children need me in the night.

What We Are Doing Now

For now, our son does bedtime with Daddy; that’s his special time with his father, and they stay up a bit later than Sister and I. When he’s asleep, Daddy comes out and we get some alone time together. And then we both go to bed in the master.

At some point in the night – between 1-3am, usually – our son wakes up and walks into our room. He sometimes goes right to sleep in his toddler bed, or sometimes if he doesn’t calm down quickly my husband will escort him back to his room, where they both will spend the rest of the night. It’s certainly less than ideal, but it’s a hell of a lot better than us being up from 3am due to a screaming anxious kid.

My husband remarked to me last week, “I’d forgotten that he’s really still so young. He’s so small. And he has the rest of his life to sleep in his own room.” It’s true: before long it will be undesirable for our son to sleep in our room, and he’ll want his own space. (I’m guessing by the time he’s in kindergarten; peer pressure isn’t always a bad thing.) So for now we’re trying to be encouraging while also having limits of what’s ok and what’s not.

It’s fine if you don’t sleep in your own room alone all night; it’s not ok for you to scream and cry and wake up three other people.

We are officially on month three of this regression, and it’s getting better but it’s certainly not over. In the grand scheme of parenting, though, this is just a tiny hiccup amidst a beautiful lifetime. At least that’s what I keep telling myself so I don’t cry into my coffee.

For a full list of bedtime strategies, as well as more extensive content about toddler sleep and childhood sleep regressions, look for my ebook on Amazon, coming out in late 2018!

I hope that these suggestions and this honest insight has been helpful to you and your family. I welcome your comments, questions, and suggestions, and I appreciate you sharing this too!

Sleep Regression Sucks... At Any Age - Real Simple Mama