If you celebrate Christmas and you have kids, you probably know all the words to about a thousand Christmas carols. And, like visions of sugarplums dancing in your head, they probably start to drive you a little mad after a while. That’s why I came up with my own lyrics, fitting for moms and dads and caregivers alike. Read on for my Christmas carols for parents.
If you’d like to see my holiday articles, click here.
And make sure you check out my suggestions for what to do as a family during Christmas season!
Whose Crap Is This (What Child Is This)
Whose book is this, left on the floor,
And in my way has been staying?
This poor lone story waits patiently
For children who are still playing.
Chorus:
This! This! Is just what I mean
When I ask you to help and keep the house clean.
Haste! Haste! To pick it up
Before Mama increases her drinking.
Whose toy is this on the table now
When we are ready for eating?
It’s not the place for things like this
So go put it up and begin seating.
Chorus
Whose sock is this sitting on my bed
So innocent and unassuming?
We did the laundry three days ago
Are you kidding me?, now I am fuming.
Chorus
Whose pee is this on the toilet seat
When I sit down to begin weeing?
I can’t believe that your cold, cold piss
Is still here ten minutes after your leaving.
Chorus
Whose fork is this found under my chair
With crusty cheese still clinging?
It’s not my job, I’m the mom not the maid,
So f- it, I’ll just keep on singing.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the store
Hoping that we get to pay.
Through the aisles we go,
Gagging all the way.
People stop and stare,
As if that makes it right,
What fun it is to be a mom
With a kid blowout tonight!
Chorus:
Jingle bells, whose butt smells?
Someone made a poop!
Now it’s coming up your back
And it looks like rotten soup!
Jingle bells, seven hells,
I think I’m out of wipes!
Just strip off the clothes and shoes
And shove them down the pipes!
I’m Dreaming of a Quick Bedtime (White Christmas)
I’m dreaming of a quick bedtime
Where all my children fall asleep
Without any whining, without any stalling,
Just staying in their beds without a peep.
Hey! The Hyper Children Call (Hark! The Herald Angels Sing)
Hark! The hyper children call
As they clamor down the hall.
Too much sugar in their head
Impossible to go to bed.
Chorus:
Please help me, the parents cried,
We just want to run and hide
From these kids who scream and yell
This sugar high is parenting hell.
Hark! The hyper children call
As they clamor down the hall.
The 12 Days of Preg-mas
Oh the first day of Pregmas my partner gave to me –
Wait, hold on, I have to go pee.…
On the twelfth day of Pregmas my partner gave to me,
Twelve burping rags,
Eleven water bottles,
Ten pacifiers,
Nine little onesies,
Eight back massages,
Seven little diapers,
Six stretchy sweatpants,
Five crying jags!
Four ice cream pints,
Three glucose tests,
Two swollen ankles,
And oh look! Now we have a baby!
Silent Night
Silent night, holy night,
All is calm, just one light.
Mama rocking her baby slow,
Midnight feed, back to sleep we now go,
Sleep in heavenly peace,
Sleep in heavenly peace.
Silent night, holy night,
Zombie Mom, what a sight.
Just so tired from working all day,
Yet this quiet moment forever will stay,
Fatigue is leaving its mark,
As we snuggle up in the dark.
Silent night, holy night,
Fever and pain – it’s mastitis, all right.
Growing the baby inside of ourselves,
Still providing for them even when it is hell,
Take care of yourself, Mama, do,
You truly deserve it all, too.
Silent night, holy night,
Never ending breastfeeding plight.
Wishing nursing was easy and fast,
But all too quickly this bonding will pass,
Cherish this time in your heart,
Be proud – it’s a Mom’s work of art.
God Help Ye Naive Gentlemen (God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
God help ye naive gentlemen,
You haven’t got a clue!
How hard we moms work all day long
And everything we do!
From cooking meals to singing songs
and putting on their shoes,
Bring us bottles of alcohol and joy,
It’s not a ploy,
Bring us bottles of alcohol and joy.
In hospital or birth center
This blessed babe was born.
And Mama’s parts were blown apart
And nether bits all torn,
So nothing that you say or do
Better give us any scorn,
Bring us boxes of chocolate and joy,
Listen here, boy,
Bring us boxes of chocolate and joy.
This Mama’s job, stay at home mom,
Should give you guys a fright.
We do work endlessly all day,
And also in the night.
So keep in mind when you get home
If we don’t look too bright,
That we’re just too tired to give you some joy,
We’re not being coy,
That we’re just too tired to give you some joy.
Let’s all remember this Christmas
That we don’t have a clue.
From working parents, stay at home,
There’s so much that we do,
But Christmastime is perfect time
To tell them “I love you”,
Because parenting is never-ending joy,
More than a toy,
Because parenting is never-ending joy.
I hope that you felt a little of the warmth of Christmas as you read these (and it wasn’t just someone spitting up on you).
For my favorite Christmas books for kids, check here.
For the best Christmas family movies, click here.
And hey! Don’t forget to write to Santa! Get my guide here.
I'd love to hear from you!