Every kid goes through some sort of crazy developmental phase around two to three years old. It’s hellish for everyone involved: parents, caregivers, siblings, and the toddler themselves. We’ve all heard of it and we all dread it, the terrible twos. I’m going through this now with my second child and I have lots of suggestions for you. So buckle up (and maybe pour yourself a strong drink), and let’s talk.
I honestly hate the phrase “terrible twos” because it just emphasizes the suckiness of this phase. Yes it’s difficult – and we will talk about why in a minute – but it’s necessary and it’s not all bad. There are opportunities for you and your child to grow together, and at the other end is a child who will be so much better equipped to communicate and experience the world.
Dr. Plooij of the Wonder Weeks has a different perspective on the terrible twos to an extent; you can see his PDF here. (I’m not affiliated with him at all but do like his content.)
I’m personally a big fan of the Wonder Weeks, which talks about milestones and developmental stages or “leaps” that are normal for kids age 0-2. You can see my intro article to the concept of Wonder Weeks here (again, I’m not directly associated with him at all).
So Why Do Kids Go Through This Phase, Anyway?
At around 15-18 months, your toddler has a lot of changes happening at the same time. Some of these changes are physical, like a growth spurt; some are cognitive, like becoming more self-aware and independent; and some are motor developments, like being able to walk (and run).
With all of this happening simultaneously, your toddler suddenly becomes curious and wants to get into everything; but then they regress a bit when something surprises or scares them, and they turn into a crying mess. It’s a battle of tug-of-war, a back and forth going on internally where they want to explore and discover but then all of a sudden they don’t!
So let’s clarify: your toddler is testing boundaries, trying new things, exploring, feeling new emotions, learning new things, gaining new abilities, see-sawing back to clinginess and separation anxiety, and unequipped to explain anything to you coherently. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, right?
As a side note, you can read more about how to handle specific tantrums – and learn the science behind what’s going on there – by reading my article here.
What to Expect With the Terrible Twos
The main thing you will expect with the terrible twos is this instant “flip of a switch” between one behavior and a totally different one. They can be exploring and playing at the park with you a few feet away, and suddenly come running back to you terrified. Your toddler might be playing happily and then start yelling for seemingly no reason. They can even be eating and enjoying a meal and then instantly decide that they hate it, complete with a flying bowl.
What we must realize is that this is totally normal: your child doesn’t have the mental ability to tone down their reactions. So something like the wrong colored snack cup can turn into a full-scale meltdown, even though to us it’s not that big of a deal.
Your child also won’t have the vocabulary nor the emotional intelligence to be able to say “Mama, I feel so disappointed that it’s time to leave.” They can’t describe how they’re feeling or what set them off.
Changes in routine, being awakened suddenly, seeing strangers, and being separated from their main caretakers can also strain your child’s ability to stay calm. These are interruptions in their usual schedule or unexpected changes which again can cause a flip of a switch and bring them quickly to intense fear or anger.
Letting your child learn about their world is a beautiful thing, and a toddler is often ready to explore and try out new things like venturing out from you a bit in the mall play area or at a friend’s house. But suddenly they realize “I don’t know where I am, this is unfamiliar and WHERE IN THE HELL IS MY MOOOOM?” and panic sets in.
Another common “side effect” of this stage is night terrors; this is not the same thing as nightmares and you can learn about the difference (and how to help) here.
How to Help Your Child Through the Terrible Twos
Here’s the good part: I have some strategies that I use to help my child throughout this phase of life. It helps her focus and calm down, and helps me minimize overstimulating factors and keep her safe and happy.
Consistency
To me, a consistent routine eliminates all of the guesswork that a toddler has; their body and mind don’t have to scramble to figure out “What comes next?”
Predictability will really help ease their mind and also help remove those variables from the equation. Simple and consistent is best. (As a side note, it’s a lot less stressful for you, too.)
Basically the way I build a routine for my child is I have everything revolve around sleep, and meals. I try to not have too many overstimulating things going on in one day, like a playdate in a restaurant play area or a lot of new people, and I balance our calendar with days of peace and quiet. We all need down time sometimes!
If you’d like help with building a schedule around your child, see my helpful article here.
Consistency is great even with little routines, like what to do when we’re leaving the house. My daughter stands at the door, walks to her “wheel” (the back side of my car), and then I buckle her in. When we come home, we take off shoes and wash hands. Little things like that help your child feel grounded and stable.
Compassion
On the other end of the situation is the empathy and compassion your child needs while they grow through this phase.
Firstly, just knowing that this phase is gonna happen no matter how you respond, and whether you like it or not, is important to acknowledge. So you can choose to be a jerk about it, you can choose to stress about it, or you can choose to go with the flow.
Secondly, your child can’t help that this is happening. They don’t fully understand what is happening to them and they also don’t have the vocabulary nor emotional intelligence to be able to tell you how they feel or what is causing them stress. That alone should hopefully help you rouse up a bit of sympathy.
Thirdly, it’s my personal opinion (without sounding like a self-righteous jackass) that you can help minimize this whole “terrible twos” thing by how you prepare your child, treat your child, and respond to your child. For example, making a stable and predictable routine can help your child with experiencing fewer “surprises” and sudden “Ok time to go!” which can make them upset. Knowing that your child can go from 0-60mph over some spilled Goldfish, and helping them by saying “I know you’re disappointed that you spilled your snack! Why don’t you take some deep breaths with me and we can see how to fix this. Here, I’ll help you clean up.”
Honestly, just being with your child – helping them feel safe, that they’re not alone, that they’re loved and that their favorite person is there with them through this storm – is so incredibly important. Punishing your child or yelling at them for this is, in my opinion, not appropriate.
Choice
Oooh, toddlers love choice! This is a great way for you to expand your parenting creativity, and it can really help your toddler feel like they’re in control of their own life.
Here’s what I mean: there are probably a hundred times a day that you could offer your toddler a quick choice about something, without it really affecting your daily life that much. Here are a few examples:
- Which color cup/bowl/plate/etc would you like?
- Do you want to brush teeth first, or change clothes?
- Do you want to pick your socks, or have me pick socks?
- Should we water the plants first, or go get the mail?
- Would you like to take Dolly or Bunny in the car?
The point is, that these choices don’t really make any difference to you as a parent, right? Who cares if you use the red plate or the green one? Well, giving your child a choice on things helps them feel like they have control in their life, like they’re in charge of something in this world which has suddenly become big and scary. It’s sort of like “With everything I have no choice in, at least I can choose this.”
Just make sure that you’re cool with whatever thing they choose; in other words, don’t give them an option that you won’t follow through on!
In Conclusion
My goal here is that you feel encouraged by the information I’ve given you, and you feel prepared for the inevitability of the terrible twos. Honestly, you can minimize a lot of the potential damage by being consistent and empathetic, understanding what’s going on developmentally, and giving your child choices when possible.
Please let me know about your experiences and suggestions in the comments, and thanks for sharing!
I'd love to hear from you!