We recently had to put down our cat. And while I was heartbroken, it’s in my nature to speak to my children about what’s happening and why. But how much do you say? What do you say? I truly feel at peace with how I handled this delicate situation, and so here are my tips for how to talk to your kids when your pet dies.
Continue readingTag: discussion
What does a stay-at-home mom really need? It’s my birthday month, and of course Christmas too, so a few loved ones have been asking me what they can get me. And while my mind can wander with all the ridiculous things I’d buy myself, I’m here to tell you that what a stay-at-home mom really needs can’t be bought in a store. Here’s all of the free and easy ways you can help a SAHM feel valued, loved, and remembered. Continue reading
My children are old enough now that we can really start doing some fun stuff during the Christmas season. Whether it’s driving around armed with pajamas and cocoa to check out Christmas lights, having a specific “right” way to decorate the tree, or watching a certain movie on Christmas Eve, there are tons of traditions to do with your kids during the holiday season! We compiled a grand list: the family Christmas must-do list. Check out all of our ideas, and pick which ones would fit in to your home. And of course, add your own in the comments to share with other families! Continue reading
Our oldest will be going to kindergarten this fall in a public school! My husband and I are teachers by profession, but this is our first time going through the “school readiness” process as parents. After speaking with teachers, parents, and online sources, we’ve compiled a list of things to do to prepare your child for kindergarten. We’re publishing this information in hopes that we can help other parents, especially if this is your first rodeo with a child going to school! Continue reading
Welcome back – this week is Part Three in my four-part series of letters with Marie Levey-Pabst of Create Balanced Life. We’re having a real honest discussion about some of the shitty things our young kids have been through, and how we can protect our chid. I’m focusing on “Where do we find that balance of mitigating a situation with our child, or letting them go through it on their own?” Read on and enjoy. Continue reading
Last week, you read my letter to Marie, my brilliant insightful friend who has two children like I do. I reached out to her in a desperate effort to see if I was really alone in this scramble to protect my child from the world, and its assholes. While my particular situation involved gender stereotypes, there are many issues our children will inevitably face in this world. Now please enjoy Marie’s response in the second letter of our Letters Between Mom Friends series.
My dear friend, you are very much not alone. Sometimes I think that my worries and fears for my children’s physical safety gets outweighed by my fear for their emotional safety. As fellow teachers, you and I both know how people can surprise us with kindness, but can also break our hearts with their cruel treatment of others. I think this is especially true of children who sometimes try out the cruelness of adults as part of figuring out who they are. Of course, we want to shield our children from this reality as long as we can. I too have tried to mitigate situations to prolong this shield, much as it sounds like you were with the pink butterfly backpack (which, I agree with you, is totally adorable!). I too struggle with the balance – how much do I mitigate the situation, and how much to do I let it run its course so my children can learn to stand up as who they are in this moment?
I still vividly remember sending my son off to kindergarten. My spouse and I weren’t sure how he was going to do. He was a quiet kid in preschool who rarely joined in with the superhero play that filled the preschool classroom. He was far more happy to build trains or do art on his own. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen when he entered a world of children that had different experiences from our own, ranging from rough play with older siblings, to movies we don’t watch because they scare my son, to prejudice we had yet to experience in our cozy co-op preschool.
He shocked us all when, half-way through the year, it was clear that our son was putting himself in charge of things. After school on the playground other children would look to him to think up the game, or we would hear about how he led something at school.
In those years between kindergarten and now – he is seven, and in second grade – I’ve had the privilege of watching him start to figure out social norms. I wish I could tell you it’s been smooth sailing, or that I’ve simply watched him come into his own personality. But the truth is, he is trying to figure out what actions, ideas, and persona fit him, fit in with social norms at school, and fit into our family dynamics.
It’s as messy as it sounds.
One minute he is all in with swordplay, using his hand or a stick to pretend to chop someone to pieces. The next minute he is telling me, in a soft scared voice, that he changed his mind about the gift he wants to give his teacher because he thinks she or the other kids might laugh at him (he wanted to give her Smarties, because she said she liked them at Halloween, but then felt like that looked silly compared to what other kids gave her the week leading up to Christmas).
My son will play-act with blood and death at the playground in ways that make me cringe and want to scream. Then he will tell me that he makes it a point to listen carefully (read: eavesdrop) on all the adult conversations he hears so that he can “understand everything”.
I’m starting to believe that growing up is just a huge mix of contradictions. And, when I’m honest with myself, I think that pretty well describes adulthood too.
So, I feel like we’ve made an interesting transition with parenting our son: We’ve gone from protecting our son from assholes to trying hard to keep him from acting an asshole as he figures out his place in the world. There is plenty that is not working, and that worries me, like his excitement about swordplay or how quick he is to say he doesn’t like someone because he doesn’t like one thing they said to him.
There is also plenty that is working, as he continues to be a strict rule-follower and still loves to play family and build elaborate imaginative scenarios with his sister. And, while he is an asshole sometimes, I can’t remember him ever being outwardly being an asshole because of a prejudice that he learned at school.
I’m not sure about you, but I wasn’t surprised by the wave of #MeToo accusations against men in power. Frankly, to me, the only surprise is that some of those men are actually being held to account. For most of my life, I’ve seen the power of toxic masculinity, and take its toll on men, women, and non-binary folks alike. With my daughter, I feel more confident in modeling and teaching her how to resist a system that would see her as inferior in some ways.
But with my son, I’ve felt the tension between wanting to protect him from a world that may brand him as a “sissy” but also want to remind him not to get sucked into an identity that is centered around holding power over others. He is a white male – it’s pretty darn easy for him to look around and assume that most people in power look like him and that is just the way it is. As he gets older my spouse and I are learning that our job as parents is to provide the occasional shield from the outer world, as well as nurturing nudges in the direction of compassion, kindness, and empathy.
Most days that feels like balancing on a narrow beam – with far too little sleep or patience. Ya know . . . . like most of parenting.
So no, you are certainly not alone. What I want to know is, as our children step out more and more from that shield of family and home, how do we help them navigate that world with their compassion and kindness intact, even if their innocence must dissolve a bit simply because they are growing up? What does that look like when many of the people around us may not have the same values as us, even if while we are all part of the same community?
I’m really looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
Marie
If you missed the first letter in the series, you can read it here.
And please let us know your thoughts in the comments. This dialogue needs to happen between parents, and it needs to be ongoing! I will do everything that I can to help you learn how to protect your child.
My son is an amazing child: he’s considerate, kind, and sensitive. And I knew early on that I would never spank or hit him. But he’s at an age where we need to have an effective, consistent way to correct him and teach him. I’m here to tell you: attachment parenting does not mean that you let your kids do whatever the hell they want. We have high expectations, we are consistent, and we mean what we say. But how we discipline our kids may look quite different from what you’re used to. We use what’s called “natural consequences.” And let me say, it works beautifully. Continue reading
Turn on the news and you will see: it’s a dangerous world out there. While we try to surround ourselves with good people and safe experiences, our children will one day be out on their own. We must prepare our kids for all kinds of situations. And the dialogue to keeping our kids safe starts when they’re still young and innocent.
Here I’ll give you some suggestions on how to begin those essential conversations. Continue reading
Do you have an open relationship with your kids? Do you feel that you have mutual trust and respect? Are you comfortable talking to your kids about anything, and do you feel that they would come to you if they had a problem or a question? Whether you’re just starting out with your young child, or you have a teenager, here are my researched, tried-and-true, usable suggestions for how to talk to your kids. Continue reading
Having a baby is a glorious, life-changing event which leaves you breathless and teary-eyed. Your body has done something miraculous! You’ve housed another human being, growing them from a cluster of a few cells to a living breathing person. That’s pretty damn cool, Mama.
But then you look in the mirror, try to wear your favorite pre-pregnancy jeans or think about swim season. Your hair starts falling out and – what the hell? – you have acne all over again. The cost of making this beautiful little life just took an insane toll on your body, and potentially, on your self esteem.
It’s totally normal to have a woe-is-me phase, but here are some things to keep in mind as your children grow and look to your example of a positive body image. Continue reading