Who really rules the roost at your place? We’ve had backyard chickens for about a year and decided we needed to build them their own chicken run instead of letting them free range in our entire yard. Our build is working beautifully and so I’m passing on the information to you! Read on for how to build a chicken run which is functional, affordable, and versatile! Bonus YouTube videos and photos throughout, of course! Continue reading
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Last week, you read my letter to Marie, my brilliant insightful friend who has two children like I do. I reached out to her in a desperate effort to see if I was really alone in this scramble to protect my child from the world, and its assholes. While my particular situation involved gender stereotypes, there are many issues our children will inevitably face in this world. Now please enjoy Marie’s response in the second letter of our Letters Between Mom Friends series.
My dear friend, you are very much not alone. Sometimes I think that my worries and fears for my children’s physical safety gets outweighed by my fear for their emotional safety. As fellow teachers, you and I both know how people can surprise us with kindness, but can also break our hearts with their cruel treatment of others. I think this is especially true of children who sometimes try out the cruelness of adults as part of figuring out who they are. Of course, we want to shield our children from this reality as long as we can. I too have tried to mitigate situations to prolong this shield, much as it sounds like you were with the pink butterfly backpack (which, I agree with you, is totally adorable!). I too struggle with the balance – how much do I mitigate the situation, and how much to do I let it run its course so my children can learn to stand up as who they are in this moment?
I still vividly remember sending my son off to kindergarten. My spouse and I weren’t sure how he was going to do. He was a quiet kid in preschool who rarely joined in with the superhero play that filled the preschool classroom. He was far more happy to build trains or do art on his own. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen when he entered a world of children that had different experiences from our own, ranging from rough play with older siblings, to movies we don’t watch because they scare my son, to prejudice we had yet to experience in our cozy co-op preschool.
He shocked us all when, half-way through the year, it was clear that our son was putting himself in charge of things. After school on the playground other children would look to him to think up the game, or we would hear about how he led something at school.
In those years between kindergarten and now – he is seven, and in second grade – I’ve had the privilege of watching him start to figure out social norms. I wish I could tell you it’s been smooth sailing, or that I’ve simply watched him come into his own personality. But the truth is, he is trying to figure out what actions, ideas, and persona fit him, fit in with social norms at school, and fit into our family dynamics.
It’s as messy as it sounds.
One minute he is all in with swordplay, using his hand or a stick to pretend to chop someone to pieces. The next minute he is telling me, in a soft scared voice, that he changed his mind about the gift he wants to give his teacher because he thinks she or the other kids might laugh at him (he wanted to give her Smarties, because she said she liked them at Halloween, but then felt like that looked silly compared to what other kids gave her the week leading up to Christmas).
My son will play-act with blood and death at the playground in ways that make me cringe and want to scream. Then he will tell me that he makes it a point to listen carefully (read: eavesdrop) on all the adult conversations he hears so that he can “understand everything”.
I’m starting to believe that growing up is just a huge mix of contradictions. And, when I’m honest with myself, I think that pretty well describes adulthood too.
So, I feel like we’ve made an interesting transition with parenting our son: We’ve gone from protecting our son from assholes to trying hard to keep him from acting an asshole as he figures out his place in the world. There is plenty that is not working, and that worries me, like his excitement about swordplay or how quick he is to say he doesn’t like someone because he doesn’t like one thing they said to him.
There is also plenty that is working, as he continues to be a strict rule-follower and still loves to play family and build elaborate imaginative scenarios with his sister. And, while he is an asshole sometimes, I can’t remember him ever being outwardly being an asshole because of a prejudice that he learned at school.
I’m not sure about you, but I wasn’t surprised by the wave of #MeToo accusations against men in power. Frankly, to me, the only surprise is that some of those men are actually being held to account. For most of my life, I’ve seen the power of toxic masculinity, and take its toll on men, women, and non-binary folks alike. With my daughter, I feel more confident in modeling and teaching her how to resist a system that would see her as inferior in some ways.
But with my son, I’ve felt the tension between wanting to protect him from a world that may brand him as a “sissy” but also want to remind him not to get sucked into an identity that is centered around holding power over others. He is a white male – it’s pretty darn easy for him to look around and assume that most people in power look like him and that is just the way it is. As he gets older my spouse and I are learning that our job as parents is to provide the occasional shield from the outer world, as well as nurturing nudges in the direction of compassion, kindness, and empathy.
Most days that feels like balancing on a narrow beam – with far too little sleep or patience. Ya know . . . . like most of parenting.
So no, you are certainly not alone. What I want to know is, as our children step out more and more from that shield of family and home, how do we help them navigate that world with their compassion and kindness intact, even if their innocence must dissolve a bit simply because they are growing up? What does that look like when many of the people around us may not have the same values as us, even if while we are all part of the same community?
I’m really looking forward to hearing your thoughts!
Marie
If you missed the first letter in the series, you can read it here.
And please let us know your thoughts in the comments. This dialogue needs to happen between parents, and it needs to be ongoing! I will do everything that I can to help you learn how to protect your child.
Marie Levey-Pabst is the founder of Create Balance , a systematic approach to balancing the personal, professional, and parenting sides of life.
Well, Real Simple Mama has officially been in existence for over a year! And looking back, I’ve learned quite a lot. I’m the one-and-only person running this website, and I have lots of suggestions for someone just starting out. Here’s what I’ve learned in a year of blogging: tricks and ideas on what to do, what not to do, and a whole lot of other stuff! Continue reading
I’ve been nominated for a Liebster Award! Thank you so much to Lauren at Three Makes a Family for her gracious nomination. Lauren’s blog is a great balance of honest and kind. I find myself relating to so much of what she writes! I’m very honored that she saw something in my tweets and posts worth nominating!
The Liebster Award is given to newer bloggers, and is a great way to get more exposure as well as helping your readers learn more about you. The nominee, in turn, gets to “pay it forward” by nominating other new bloggers.
Firstly, let me answer the questions which Lauren asked me:
1. What inspired you to start a blog? I’ve been passionate about birth and parenting since I became pregnant with my first child, and wanted to make a hub where parents could find information which was factual and easy to understand. Any time I hear of a friend or loved one who’s pregnant, I think about how I can help. I love teaching and want to reach new moms and dads to give them the tools they need. It takes a village!
2. What are you passionate about? Natural childbirth, educating moms, and attachment/gentle/green parenting. I also am passionate about education (particularly music education since that’s my background), theology, nature, and charity.
3. What talents/strengths do you have? I’m extremely organized and forward thinking; I’m a very fast reader; I am comfortable leading a group; and I think I have pretty cool handwriting!
4. What is your favorite movie, tv show, or book? Movies include “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and “Love Actually”; TV show is “X Files”; and books would be Les Mis, Game of Thrones, or anything by Stephen King.
5. What is your greatest fear? A crisis or natural disaster harming my family. (Basically anything which I can’t prevent and is on a large scale).
6. What is one wish or goal you have? I would love to become a doula or Lactation consultant!
7. Who is someone you look up to or admire and why? My best friend Vicky. She’s so damn strong, as a woman and a mother. I try to emulate her steadfastness and her confidence. She knows what’s right for her son and she doesn’t let anyone push her around.
8. What is your favorite thing about being a mom? I see myself in the eyes of my children, and I’ve never looked better! They’ve taught me to love myself because of how they love me. They don’t see flaws or what society wants me to be, they love me for me. And I try to emulate that in loving them back purely.
9. What do you enjoy doing for fun? I love to read and scrapbook, garden or cook, sit outside and sip cheap wine.
10. If you could travel anywhere in the world where would it be? I’d love to go back to Mexico, but I’d also want to see Italy and the Vatican. So much history! And as a Catholic, there’s so much there for me to see and do!
11. What is one of your favorite childhood memories? My thoughts immediately go to my grandma Margaret. She was hilarious and never hesitated to help me, listen to me, or love on me. We laughed so much together.
Here are 11 random facts about me:
1. I am a music educator by trade, and learned how to play percussion, string, keyboard, and wind instruments by the time I graduated from college. Originally I was a piano player, and a clarinetist once I got to middle school. I’ve taught high school and middle school band, and most recently, elementary music.
2. I am right-handed, but prefer to do a lot of other things with my left hand, like shooting a basketball or driving.
3. Even though I do not get much time anymore, I consider myself to be an avid gamer. I grew up playing PC games like Diablo II, Wolfenstein and Guild Wars (and yes WoW in the good old days), and love our XBOX! My favorite XBOX games are Skyrim, The Long Dark and Viva Piñata.
4. I speak fluent Spanish and I am trying to learn ASL. I also am a bit of a grammar Nazi, and I love to do editing and transcription.
5. I absolutely hate being scared. I do not like scary movies or TV shows. I also hate roller coasters.
6. When I was younger, I wanted to be a stunt driver. I love anything automotive and would design cars or read automotive magazines in my free time.
7. I had five wisdom teeth removed when I was in college.
8. I have a very good memory, particularly with numbers or quotes. I also associate numbers with colors.
9. If we could afford to, I would totally buy some land and have a homestead. I love the thought of living off the land and getting rid of all of our modern distractions.
10. I absolutely hate beer. I think it is disgusting. I also do not like carbonation.
11. I try to always smile at strangers; if I find myself judging someone or thinking something unkind, I think “what if they are the Christ?” It helps me to be friendly and compassionate.
Now for the bloggers that I’ve nominated!
Marie at Create Balanced Life just has to be on this list!!! Marie was my first blogging friend and is such a selfless, helpful person. I value her friendship and advice, and you can too – she helps families find balance between work and home! She always brightens my day by being encouraging and sincere.
Morgan from Motherhood by Morgan. I really look up to Morgan a lot – she’s driven and brilliant, and she inspires me to help all moms and not ever be judgmental or closed minded. She empowers moms from all walks of life, and also has a fantastic Facebook community of almost 300 moms!
Jonathan at The Daddy’s Life was the first dad blogger I connected with. He and I see eye-to-eye on lots of things, and I love his approach. It’s obvious that he loves his family and he never hesitates to do the right thing, even when it’s difficult or involves sacrifice.
Kristyn at Everyone’s Sleeping But Mom – I relate so much to her. From unplanned cosleeping, to persevering amidst people who don’t support breastfeeding, to the woes of leaving your baby to go to work… she’s a fantastic example of a mama who adapts her life for the sake of her child, even when things don’t go as planned.
Ben at Hello My Name is Dad is another daddy blogger I love. I really feel that dad blogs are too rare, and it’s even rarer to find quality ones. His posts have a refreshing balance of humor and sincerity. And you can tell he works his butt off to give 110% at everything he does.
Jaclyn at Simply Jaclyn – I am so excited that Jaclyn is live! Her blog is gorgeous and I got so excited when I found a mama who thinks like I do. She’s one of those brave moms who is honest and true to her readers, even when it’s tough and lonely. I really feel for her in her tough moments, and cheer her on with her successes! She’s a mama of two littles just like me.
Ok guys, here’s what you do:
- Write a new post
- Link back to me
- Display the Liebster logo
- Answer my 11 questions
- Tell us 11 more facts about you
- Nominate 5-11 other bloggers with <1k subscribers
- Give them 11 questions to ask!
Here are the 11 questions I would love for you to answer!
1. What is one quality about yourself that you admire?
2. What are the three most important possessions in your life? (Not people)
3. Who is your favorite celebrity, and why?
4. What is your hope for your blog?
5. In one sentence, describe your goal in life.
6. What is some music which inspires you?
7. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
8. Name three books and/or movies which have influenced you.
9. What do you turn to when you are stressed out? How do you deal?
10. If you could go get a college degree, what would you be interested in learning more about?
11. What is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for you?
Congratulations again on your nominations! When you’ve published your article, please come back to this post and leave a link to it!
You know the feeling: the baby is being extra fussy, my toddler is annoying me about something or other, the dog just threw up on the carpet and I just realized we are out of bread AND peanut butter. “That’s it,” I think. “I need five minutes for mom. Right now. Time to pull that card and take care of me.”
Let me show you what I mean, and how it helps. Continue reading
