How to Talk to Your Kids When Your Pet Dies

We recently had to put down our cat. And while I was heartbroken, it’s in my nature to speak to my children about what’s happening and why. But how much do you say? What do you say? I truly feel at peace with how I handled this delicate situation, and so here are my tips for how to talk to your kids when your pet dies.

Myra was adopted when I was a young college student. She was beautiful, tiny, fierce, and intelligent. She’d been found in a tree during a storm by a fireman and taken to a local shelter; from there, it was discovered that she was pregnant, and upon getting an ultrasound the vet learned that the kittens would all be stillborn. Myra had emergency surgery to remove the unborn babies, and subsequently had an allergic reaction to one of the post-op medications she received. When I found her on October 30, 2005, she still hadn’t regrown all of the fur that had fallen out from the reaction.

Additionally, while the loss of Myra hit our little family the hardest, we also said goodbye to two of our beautiful hens in 2018: Dottie Byrd in July, and Lollipop (the kids’ favorite, and who was named by my son) in September.

There are three points which I feel are paramount when you talk to your kids about anything important and serious like this. Everything else we’ll cover in this article builds on these three points.

• Don’t ever lie to your kids. They’ll find out eventually and then you’ve lost their trust.
• While you’ll be telling your kid the truth, the extent of the truth (eg how detailed you get) is up to their development, age, and maturity.
• Allow your child to react in a way that’s true to them. Don’t tell them how to feel or how to act – some kids will cry, some will just absorb it and think about it, some will want to do something, some will ask questions, etc. Let them be and don’t put them in a box of expectations.

And if you’d like to see other general suggestions on how to talk to your kids about “big” issues, read all of my information here.

Preparing: How to Talk to Your Kids When Your Pet Dies

If you get a chance to speak to your children before your pet dies, I advise you to do so. In my experience, you don’t need to mention it a week before or anything, but the morning of is appropriate. My kids don’t like sudden surprises so it’s better that they’re prepared. You just don’t want to tell them way in advance to stress them out or worry them.

It’s ok to cry. It’s totally normal and it means that you loved someone enough to miss them.

Here’s what I told my kids the morning of the day we were going to put Myra to sleep:

“My babies, I need to talk to you about something and it’s going to be sad. Is that ok?

You know that Myra is hurting and that she’s very old. You know that she has cancer and she’s been having lots of accidents in the house. While you were asleep, I spoke to her doctor and we’ve decided that we’re going to put Myra to sleep today.

That means that we will take her to the vet today when Daddy gets home, we will all get to love on her and say goodbye, and then she will get a shot that will help her relax. Then she’ll get one more shot that will make her fall asleep and her heart will stop. She won’t be scared, she won’t be alone, and she won’t be in pain. But then Myra won’t be alive anymore and we won’t come home with her.”

My kids then asked questions about her needing food, what would happen with her body (it was cremated and I just explained that it’s a process to help a body go back to the earth), and a few other things. I let them ask questions because I truly believe that kids will be more calm when they are content with the answers and don’t have any more concerns or worries. Knowledge is power but it’s also peace.

Then I told the kids that we were all going to go to support Myra, but that they didn’t have to stay in the room until the end unless they wanted to. Both kids chose to leave the room before the shots, which was fine.

To me it’s important to assure your children that this is ok, it’s sad but it’s part of life and of being a responsible pet owner. We have to do what’s right, not always what’s easy. This was the right thing to do and we will always love and remember our Miss Myra.

How to Talk to Your Kids When Your Pet Dies Suddenly

I’ve had to find two dead chickens over the last year which was sudden and unexpected. I was incredibly broken up and I wanted to share my feelings and my experience with my kids, as well as tell them what happened without being too grisly or detailed.

I chose to not let my kids see the dead animal as I didn’t feel it would be beneficial or helpful – maybe if they’re older and have an interest in animal science, but not for a six and four year old. 

Here’s what I told my kids when we found that one of our chickens had died:

“Hey guys, I need to talk to you about something sad that happened. Can we talk for a minute?

Dottie, our chicken, passed away in the night. That means that she died. I feel really sad because I loved her and she was a great bird, wasn’t she? So her body is wrapped up and we won’t have her anymore. I want to learn what happened and why she died so that I can take better care of our other girls.”

I let my kids see me cry and I will answer any questions that they have. This situation was easier on my children since they weren’t as close to the chickens as they were to our cat Myra. But I did want them to know what was going on and why I was so distraught. (There was a lot of guilt with the death of the chickens, guys.)

If you’d like to see the video version of this post, done the night that I put Myra to sleep, you can find it on my YouTube channel here.

A Few Other Things to Think About

• I think it’s important that we teach our children about what’s going on biologically. If you want to add in faith points like heaven, that’s totally fine too. But I don’t think it helps your kids to talk about storks and pink fluffy clouds and silly nonsense like that.
• On that same note, respect your kids enough to tell them the truth. I never want my kids to turn to poor decisions and hide it from me. I would rather them come to me with the tough questions and the mistakes and everything else, whether it’s sex or bullying or anything. And that mutual trust, that mutual respect, begins when they’re young.
• Think about what you could do that would help you heal. What’s your grieving process? I like to be open, to cry and to talk about things. But maybe there’s a way that you can let your children be a part of that process too. Consider making a keepsake with an old toy or collar; paint an ornament or make a bird feeder in the pet’s name; make a donation as a family to a shelter, or go work some volunteer hours. How can you make the world a better place with the love you had for your pet?

I appreciate you reading this post and while I’m so sorry that you found it, I hope that it’s given you some peace and direction as far as how to talk to your kids when your pet dies. Please comment or email me and let me know what other ideas you have, and how you handled it.