What a Stay-At-Home Mom Really Needs

What does a stay-at-home mom really need? It’s my birthday month, and of course Christmas too, so a few loved ones have been asking me what they can get me. And while my mind can wander with all the ridiculous things I’d buy myself, I’m here to tell you that what a stay-at-home mom really needs can’t be bought in a store. Here’s all of the free and easy ways you can help a SAHM feel valued, loved, and remembered.

I know this can get preachy, and sometimes sound like I’m just bitching (or that I’m a martyr). These are just observations, sometimes surprising and sometimes isolating and sometimes hurtful, that I want to bring to light.

A Stay-At-Home Mom Needs… Help

Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

The housework is not my job. The laundry is not my job. The budget, the shopping, the lunch-packing, the homework-supervising, none of that is officially a part of my job description.

As far as our family is concerned, my job as a stay-at-home mom is to keep our children safe, happy, healthy, and holy. That’s it.

I’m not the only one who eats in this house, so why should I be the only one who does dishes?

I’m not the only one who wears underwear in this house, so why should I be the only one who puts laundry away?

The most beautiful thing anyone can say to me is, “How can I help?”

If you have eyes, look around and see what could be done. If you’re tripping over toys and dirty socks, for God’s sakes pick something up. If you see something broken or misplaced or hungry or dirty, roll up your sleeves and get started. ‘Cause baby, I never stop.

And not sure what to do to help? Don’t guess what needs to be done. Don’t try to anticipate. Show effort, show that you care enough to be a part of the solution. Just ask me. Because as I explain in the next section, this house is my f*cking kingdom.

Lastly, know that sometimes the answer to that “How can I help?” may be that I just need someone to listen to me complain. I may not really have anything I can hand off to you, other than your time and your attention. But trust me, listening to me – being there for me – is so incredibly helpful, too.

We are big on getting our kids to help around the house, even though our youngest was only two when she started. I’m so proud of how we have our kids doing chores! Read more here.

A Stay-At-Home Mom Needs… Escape

A stay-at-home mom is a work-at-home mom. Her office is her residence. And while that can be convenient for reasons like staying in your pajamas all day, it can also feel like you’re in a prison.

I can never escape the dirty kitchen, the bathroom that smells suspicious, all the clutter and the mess. My writing, my cooking, my playing with my daughter, it all happens at home. And when even going to pick up a prescription feels like a luxury vacation, you know that you need to escape for a little bit.

The real problem here is that I can’t escape the to-do list. That list is never-ending, I know. And I’ve come to terms with that, the whole “There’s always more to clean” mentality. (On that note, please don’t look at my living room ceiling fan.) But when I’m home most of the time, I see that to-do list everywhere I look. It’s not just jotted down in my phone or on a notepad. IT’S BECOME MY LIFE. My scenery.

So when you come over and I just need to step outside for a minute – checking on my chickens is like a damn getaway – or I ask if you can watch the kids so I can go get gas for my car – I’m not lying. I really do want to do that. I’m being productive but I’m also getting away from my day-to-day view. And it’s glorious.

Some of my favorite little escapes are: getting ice cream, training for 5ks, hitting up the library, and going to church.

And I touched up on how I make my to-do lists work for me instead of just stress me out. Check it out here.

A Stay-At-Home Mom Needs… Identity

Being a stay-at-home mom is weird because you are in this little void. It’s like the Twilight Zone, only there’s more drool and no one is capable of wiping their own ass. (If they had an episode like that, I totally missed it.)

But hey, guess what? I’m not just a stay-at-home mom! I’m a great many things! And I was a great many things before I began reproducing! I don’t really remember half of them, but I’m sure I was something.

Seriously. I am a mother – that will be the most important title I shall ever own. And I thank God that for my children. But.

I am a human being with interests and quirks and passions and fears and cravings. I have hobbies (I think), I have talents, I have friends. I’m not just a momming machine.

Some other words that describe me: Kind, sarcastic, organized, worrier, teacher, musician, writer, creative, loves the outdoors and animals, healthy, gamer, sister, daughter, friend.

If you feel isolated as a SAHM, look for local mom groups. Some are for athletic moms, moms in the same church, or just moms in a local area. Our group has been a lifesaver for us! Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. You – and your kids – deserve some camaraderie.

A Stay-At-Home Mom Needs… Appreciation

Woo boy. These last two are the biggies for me. They’re the reason that this article exists.

Truth be told, I’m ok doing most of the housework… and the meal planning, and the budget, and the shopping, and the appointments, and the calendar, and the school prep, and the other day-to-day mundane boringness of managing a household. I can do it.

What makes me feel like total crap is that no one notices. Or no one cares. It’s like all of the things I do, the boring mundane everyday things, are invisible. And that drives me batshit.

Just because my work isn’t thrilling, just because I literally do dishes five times a day and make all the meals and do all the cleaning (and appointment making and scheduling and planning and budgeting), doesn’t mean that it’s not valuable. And we all know that this place would crumble without me. Chaos would reign.

I’ll also add that I don’t need “appreciation” in the form of gifts or a huge neon sign in the front yard. Just notice. Notice all that I do. I don’t get a paycheck, I don’t have normal hours, I don’t wear a suit. But that doesn’t make my work less important or less deserving of appreciation than anyone else.

So take time to say “Thanks so much” to a stay-at-home mom. You don’t have to know everything that she does during the day. Just know that the state of the house, those smiling kids (who have clean diapers and full tummies and brilliant minds), the fact that your water and heat still work, and there’s food in the house… That’s not a damn fairy. That’s all her.

I still feel the need to tell my husband what I accomplished during the day. When he gets home, I have to refrain from listing off all the things I got done. Because I really don’t think he sees it. He’s an amazing and kind man, who works hard at work and at home. He’s not lazy or selfish or inconsiderate. But I really don’t think he gets it.

He sees the house as it is, not as it was or how it would be if I hadn’t worked my ass off all day. It’s like I need to report “No really, I didn’t laze about. Actually, I didn’t sit down at all except to pee, which by the way I never get to do alone. Today’s tally is as follows: I did five rounds of dishes, three loads of laundry, three errands, made seven meals, booked two appointments, vacuumed two rooms, cleaned one toilet…” Just so that I feel like, in his eyes, I’m worthy of something. I deserve to be appreciated, damnit.

And that brings me to my last point.

A Stay-At-Home Mom Needs… Recognition

Let’s define recognition as I see it. Recognition, to me, is getting credit for something you’ve done. You’re recognized, right? Something got done, you’re the one who did it, let’s point that out.

Like I said earlier, I don’t need diamonds or a fanfare. I just want someone to recognize everything that I do, recognize that I work fucking hard all day and that my job never ends. I want someone to recognize that I haven’t slept through the night in over six years (yep) and I still do everything that I do.

Sure you could get me a gift like any selfless mom would want. Sure you could boast about me on social media. But that’s not really what I crave.

Just use your eyes. Recognize everything that I’ve done. (And if you can recognize what I’ve done without me having to tell you first, that’s even more valuable.) And then say something to me.

A hug or a kind word is all I need to keep going. That kindness, that noticing, recharges my batteries and fights the long nights and the worry and the fatigue. I do just fine without gifts or parties or big deals. It’s the everyday noticing and love and appreciation and recognition that I really need.

And you know what’s ridiculous? I used to feel guilty and ashamed that I needed that. Once I consciously realized “Hey, I need you to tell me that you’re proud of me, that I do a hell of a lot and I’m a badass and you appreciate me”, I felt silly. I felt like I should be able to do all of this stuff without a kind word or a pat on the back. I felt like asking for appreciation, asking to be told “Thank you”, meant that I was weak. But that’s bullshit. At the very least, we stay-at-home moms deserve credit for the work we do.

So as you can see, a stay-at-home mom’s job is beautifully busy, neverending, and tiring as shit. I accept all of that and I’m ok with all of that. But it’s hard to keep this up, with no days off an no paycheck, day after day without some kind of support.

Give a stay-at-home mom a chance to get out of the house, alone. Ask how you can help, and be in the moment when it comes to seeing and appreciating all that she does. It’s a hell of a lot cheaper than a spa day, and it means so much more.