Self care. It’s this term that has become dutiful and hush-hush and exclusive all at the same time. We’re told to practice it regularly, that we deserve it, and that it should be this major production. But I call bullshit. Look, self care for moms in 2018 doesn’t have to be a big fucking deal. It can be practical and routine and boring and cheap and fantastic. It’s just gotta get done. Here’s how.
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So here’s how I feel that the media portrays self care:
The media’s version of self care turns into this overindulgence, this expensive “Buy this because it’ll make you feel like you’re worth something”. (Cue the infamous gif from Parks and Rec, right?)
And well, it’s crap.
You don’t have to spend money or do something extreme in order to take care of yourself. You don’t have to make a show of you doing something just for you. And there isn’t a slap-it-on, one-size-fits-all solution either.
And here’s what I think self care should really be like:
Honestly, self care for moms is so much more fluid than a spa day or a gym membership. (Notice I added no additional text to the above image; her phone is off, and she doesn’t seem to really have a sense of urgency about anything. You can almost imagine the peace and quiet.)
Self care is doing something that is just for you. It’s not for the house, it’s not for the kids, it’s not for the family or the bank account or world peace. It’s what sustains you, and helps you to smile and push through the shit when your body and mind are screaming for you to turn around. The self care is like a reservoir, a stash of energy and good feelings and patience and love that we draw from when people annoy us or something unexpected happens.
Self care is what moves you, inspires you, fuels you, and makes you… You.
The beauty and complexity in this is that self care looks different for everyone. I have no interest in taking an expensive vacation away from my family because I’d be stressed out and would miss everyone. I love to hop on the treadmill damn near every day and maybe that thought makes you want to hurl.
So here are my suggestions for how to practice self care, and what I like to do.
I’ll say that the whole freaking reason I’m writing this article is because it took me until late 2017 – four years after having my first kid! – before I finally had enough. I saw myself in the mirror, not just for what I looked like (spoiler alert: I looked like hell), but for how I felt. I was drained and edgy all the time; my anxiety took the form of me always being stressed out, never really getting to rest or relax or zone out; and I was just treading water enough to keep my head above the waves.
I made myself feel so guilty because I had been a working mom; because I didn’t want to be for a second away from my child; because I was a horrible mom if I groaned when my child cried for me, or wanted to be with just me and not Daddy. I’d completely lost myself because I had no sense of balance.
I started out deciding that I needed to lose weight and be healthier, so in late 2016 I joined Weight Watchers. I won’t mention it again but if you’d like to read my honest uncompensated review, you can do so here. That was the beginning.
I hated to read that “You can’t fill others’ cups if your own is empty” but it’s true. We do have to put on our own oxygen mask first, before we can assist others.
I do have to recharge my batteries and find my inner peace before I can face my family with joy and patience.
Plus, I deserve to do those things for me because I have value as a human being and I matter. Not just so I can do more stuff for other people.
But wait a minute. Let me also say that it’s not just moms who deserve self care. See, that’s what I hate about this whole movement. It makes us look like helpless victims, like moms are the “woe is me” part of society and the only ones who deserve self care. But everyone deserves to take care of themselves, not just if they’re a mom or a corporate employee or a nanny or a teacher or whatever. It’s part of the human condition, damnit. All work and no play, yada yada. Self care for moms is just as important as self care for others.
So back to my saga. I gradually started to release the hold of guilt that I’d put on myself, and allowed myself to go on short outings without my kids. I got a used treadmill and began to use it every day, even though I knew my kids would have to sit and watch tv. I literally started with ten minutes a day, and now I do 45-60 six days a week.
I had to give myself permission to make my kids wait a minute, to spend money on myself (which is difficult when you have a family of four being supported on one educator salary), to do something that serves no other purpose than making me happy.
And now I’m ready to tell you about the things I do on a regular basis to keep my sanity, to keep me smiling, so that I have something to draw from when going through a sleep regression or an illness or just an “off” day. Hell, self care is for me when I’m having a good day. It just does not matter. These things are for me, because I’m worth it and I deserve the world. And so do you.
Work Out
I have never been the kind of person who pops out of bed and is excited to do anything, much less exercise. But now that I’m in a routine of working out, I love it. I literally smile when I’m doing my treadmill warmup, and I’m always grateful when I push “Play” on a YouTube yoga video (my favorite is Yoga by Adriene, and my kids love to do Cosmic Yoga with Jamie).
Working out can be different to different people, too. It’s just something that’s for your body. That can be a walk in the sunshine, playing tennis with a friend, laps at the community pool, or squats before bed. Do something that’s for your physical health. Sure, it’ll benefit others because of your example, but we all know that this is really just for you.
I have a custom playlist for my running workouts and I adore these wireless bluetooth headphones.
If you have muscle tension or any kind of pain, of course speak to your doctor first. Maybe a version of self care for moms could include regular chiropractic adjustments. At home, I alternate between using this roller bar, this foam roller, and this handheld roller for sore muscles. The handheld one lives next to my laptop so I never have an excuse.
Take a Bath
Ok this sounds ridiculous. While I always showered regularly when I was first a stay-at-home mom, I never soaked in the tub. I just didn’t want to take the time away. I actually justified why I didn’t “need” it. I wanted it, but it wasn’t necessary, so I never did it.
Isn’t that stupid?
Now – partly due to my pain issues and partly just ‘cause I want to, danmit – I soak in a hot bath a few times a week. Usually it’s after dinner, which I cook, and I say “See ya!” to my husband and kids and dishes and go into the bathroom.
A bath is detoxing, relaxing, and destressing you all at the same time. It’s not too time-consuming and it’s not expensive.
I use this recipe to make my own bath bombs (not my recipe!) with lemon, peppermint, and lavender essential oils. I know it sounds like a weird trio, but it’s refreshing and gentle and my favorite! When making these bombs, by the way, I just didn’t bother to buy a fancy bath bomb mold, so I grab one of the Playdoh tools my kids use and mold it into those instead.
In my baths, I also add plain epsom salt, a splash of apple cider vinegar to help my body’s pH, and I use Dr Teal’s lavender bubble bath or the stress relief shower gel. None of this stuff costs a lot of money and it lasts a long time.
Make Yourself Feel Beautiful
This is another luxury that I never afforded myself. Before I was a SAHM, I was an elementary music teacher. I moved around a lot, sang, played instruments, and was always on my feet! And I wasn’t exactly trying to be attractive, just functional and professional. So I never did my nails, I did basic “An effort has been made” makeup, whatever was quick. (I was also pumping while at work, which was super fun.)
Now I do silly little things that make me feel pretty, even though I stay at home with my kids or am out with other moms and their children. The point is, do I need to do this to function? No. Does it make me happy? Yes. And I don’t feel ashamed to admit that.
It’s amazing how much prettier I think my hands are when they have been polished, even if they chip after a day or two. And don’t laugh, but I did just order this USB nail dryer so that I can sit and write posts one-handedly while my other hand is dried for me! Ooh-la-la, I know. (It’s ten bucks, people.)
And my new face regimen, which alternates an avocado clay mask, a charcoal mask, a honey mask, and an apricot scrub, is something that I do for myself religiously. That’s in addition to my homemade facial toner (half filtered water and half witch hazel).
I also made myself a simple sugar body scrub with equal parts coconut oil and brown sugar. A little lasts a long time! Cheap little things that make me feel like a goddess.
Makeup wise, I’ll admit that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I do love Clinique’s stuff but it’s so pricy that I usually settle for CoverGirl. I also have good luck guessing with Wet N Wild, and my new favorite cheap brand is e.l.f. But don’t ask me for advice. I can’t even keep from injuring myself with a mascara wand. On guard!
Oh, and I just switched to men’s disposable razors to avoid the “pink tax” and I found that they’re actually better quality too! I alternate between the off brand, Bic, and Gillette because I get great coupons.
If I only have time to shower, which is about every other day, I alternate with the Shea Moisture exfoliator (which smells amazing and clean) or the Nivea in-shower lotion, which is strange and incredibly effective. (Poor hubby only claims that one green bottle on the far left.) That Tupperware just has good old coconut oil in it, which is what I use to shave.
Most of the products I’m recommending came from Pinterest suggestions; while I have my own Health and Beauty board there, most of it was found on accident when I discovered “Hoe tips.” Don’t laugh, there’s lots of good ideas!
So whether it’s splurging on a lip balm, trying out some makeup that a friend sells, or spending a few extra minutes doing something with your hair, you deserve to look in the mirror and smile.
And here’s some other tips that help moms feel beautiful without much effort.
Make Something…
I know that the previous section can sound a little 1950s – “Wear pearls while you vacuum to feel ornamental and functional!” – so let’s talk about a bigger picture thing here, especially if you’re not into the whole beauty scene. (Trust me, I pretend but I have no idea how to do 90% of the stuff I see on Pinterest.)
I got into coloring a few years ago, when that whole “adult coloring” fad came out. No it’s not adult coloring, though i’m sure you can find that kind of thing on the internet if you’re really curious. It’s kind of cool whether you curl up in the evening alone, or sit to doodle along with your kids. Let them see you be creative!
There is no shortage of cool crafts, recipes, and other goods you can make with your me time. Self care for moms should be about making you feel proud and valued, and maybe that means you use a needle and thread or some paint.
And creating something doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. Buy a used guitar and take some lessons. Plunk around on the family piano. Sing for the hell of it. Plant something and dig around in the dirt. Beadwork. Crochet. Fancy desserts. Whatever makes you go “Ooooh.”
…And Do Nothing
Look, sometimes self care is not really about a specific goal or purpose. It’s just “I like this, it makes me happy, so I’m gonna do it damnit.”
I have an alarm on my phone that goes off every evening at 7:15pm and says “Time to meditate, honey”. It reminds me that dinner is done, dishes are (maybe) cleaned, and Daddy can watch the kids for a bit. I warm up a hot pack for my back and grab my headphones. Then it’s time to go lay on my bed for ten minutes and meditate.
I use the Calm app – there is a lot of free content and you can read all about my experience here – but there are of course many different ways you could make this work for you. Self care for moms may just look like you put on some uncensored music and tune out the world for a while.
Doing nothing could also look like you turn on the TV for the kids so you can sit on your phone for ten minutes. “Ten minutes.” You don’t have to tell me that you’re watching cake-making videos on Facebook, I won’t tell anyone. (I watch chicken videos myself.) I’ve done a review of the best education kids’ shows on Netflix so at least you won’t feel guilty if you choose to plop the kids down in front of the screen for a bit!
You can also read a book – I have a stack that includes the rest of the Harry Potters I never finished, as well as the complete original Sherlock Holmes collection and a plethora of other books! Or, like the image implies above, go for a drive (give the kids a snack) and stick your head out of the window.
Self care for moms doesn’t have to mean that you accomplished something you can tangibly show someone else. It means that you’re fulfilled as a person.
Self Care for Moms: Edible Edition
Food. I don’t know if it’s just when it’s that time of the month for me, or I’ve been a bit too strict on my calorie consumption, but sometimes I just need some chocolate. Or a mini bottle of wine.
When I get that urge – because I know me, I usually never indulge – it’s ok to give in. I just give in with moderation.
My favorite snacks are all here, and I get mini bottles of wine so I don’t have to share and I don’t leave an unfinished bottle. Ha!
Ok ok ok, let’s leave this on a healthy note. I also try to make lots of tea in the morning, and drink at least 80 ounces of water a day. But I hate drinking plain water so I got myself a cute thermos for hot drinks, and a nice large water bottle for cold stuff. I also use reusable straws because for some reason it helps me hydrate more.
Oh, and one more thing. You can read my original article about Self Care for Busy Moms here. And my article about how to buy a meaningful gift for a selfless mom is here. Isn’t it funny how things have all changed, and yet are still the same?
Do you feel encouraged now? I truly hope so! I want you to have options to find ways that click with you. Self care for moms, just like for anyone, is really about two things: finding what speaks to you, and doing it often enough that it is a constant in your life.
Love yourself first! I promise that you won’t regret it, and as you practice self care for moms your children will have a perfect example, too.
I'd love to hear from you!